So as some people might know, the Sims is extremely addicting. It's stupid, mindless, and way too much fun. Anyhow, last night after my Sim fulfilled her lifetime wish and moved, she went to see her romantic interest, Matthew Hamming, and found out he was dead.
I don't have the words to describe how idiotic I feel writing this, but you know what, don't judge. As I was saying, she got the 'Heart Broken' moodlet and for TWO DAYS (which, in the Sims, is an extremely long time) she cried. She cried and cried and cried and cried. Now I got very attached to her (again, I feel like a moron) and so seeing her crying so uncontrollably was...upsetting, to say the least.
I'm ashamed to say it, but I cried, too. He died of dehydration. Wouldn't you get some warning? Like your body says, "HEY!! I'M THIRSTY!! DRINK SOMETHING!"
Then she went to the cemetery and mourned his death for FREAKING TEN MINUTES. TEN MINUTES!! And all the while, tears were streaming down my own face.
Oh my God. I need a life.
Urgently.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
The Best Dumb Criminal Story Ever
So there was this guy, a drug dealer, in Connecticut. He was on trial, and they wanted him to do a urine sample, see if he was using the drugs he was selling. Obviously he was, so he had his wife do the urine sample for him. It came back clean. They said, "Congratulations! You're not doing drugs, but you are pregnant!"
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Backstabbing bitches...they're the best!
You probably think I'm going to now rant on and on about people who really screwed me over. Truth is, I'm not. It's a waste of time, especially since they don't spend any spare time thinking about me or ranting about me (at least, I'm pretty sure).
Anyhow this post is not about backstabbing bitches...instead, I will discuss how amazing knives are.
I saw this thing on Pinterest once, it was a picture of this lady with a cake in front of her and she was saying: "Knives are so much cooler than guns. I mean, if I pull out a knife, you don't know if I'm going to stab you, or open a letter, or frost a cake. It's a mystery."
And I agree! Especially considering how very much I'd like to brutally stab a certain two people who are CLEARLY despicable human beings.
But oh, well!
Luckily for them, stabbing is counted as first-degree murder, and I wouldn't have a very good life if I murdered someone this early on. I should at least wait a few days, right?
Okay, so in case anyone in the psychiatry profession sees this, please know that I am NOT mentally unstable, I am simply...a wronged woman.
(Wow, that sounds so much better than an 'insane girl who wants to murder both her best friends'.)
Anyhow this post is not about backstabbing bitches...instead, I will discuss how amazing knives are.
I saw this thing on Pinterest once, it was a picture of this lady with a cake in front of her and she was saying: "Knives are so much cooler than guns. I mean, if I pull out a knife, you don't know if I'm going to stab you, or open a letter, or frost a cake. It's a mystery."
And I agree! Especially considering how very much I'd like to brutally stab a certain two people who are CLEARLY despicable human beings.
But oh, well!
Luckily for them, stabbing is counted as first-degree murder, and I wouldn't have a very good life if I murdered someone this early on. I should at least wait a few days, right?
Okay, so in case anyone in the psychiatry profession sees this, please know that I am NOT mentally unstable, I am simply...a wronged woman.
(Wow, that sounds so much better than an 'insane girl who wants to murder both her best friends'.)
Monday, July 7, 2014
The Sequel Syndrome ~ Part I
No sequel--no book or film or feat--is ever as good as the first time. The first piece of writing. First big idea put to screen. First attempt at doing something mind-blowing.
What do I refer to, you ask? The Matrix, written and directed by the Wachowski Brothers (Ironic, though, since they're actually brother and sister--so...siblings?). The first one was so fantastic, so creative, so crazy and out there, it was declared the "blockbuster of the year". It was, though. Mind-blowing and insane, I mean. The first time I watched it, it made me question my own existence.
Heads-up, though. If you've never watched it before, prepare yourself for a movie that defines 'suspend disbelief' or throughout it you'll be asking questions like:
How did the link get traced between Trinity and Cypher? Was it Cypher's doing in hopes of keeping Trinity and Morpheus from successfully collecting Neo? To put him at the Agents' mercy?
How does everyone who's unplugged manage to wear so much leather and never complain about it? Also, since they only ever wear it in the Matrix, which is effectively nonexistent itself, does that mean they're naked, then? Are their clothes 'not real' because the Matrix is simply an elaborate trap for your mind? And nothing exists?!
In the beginning, how do the Agents know the two units the police lieutenant sent up are already dead? I know they're the Gatekeepers and everything, but really. They're not psychic.
Why do all the Agents wear Secret Service earpieces when they're right next to each other? Are the earpieces actually just hearing aids in disguise?!
Why does Trinity have to go into the Matrix to track Neo? They have lots of computers on the Nebuchadnezzar, right? So why don't they just use the computers on the hovercraft to find him? Wouldn't it be a lot easier? Not to mention a whole lot safer?!
Everyone in that movie must have infinite ammo. They're all terrible shots, and for every fifty thousand bullets, they maybe once or twice manage to hit something. Geez, what a waste!
What is so special about Neo that makes Morpheus believe him to be 'the one'? There's a lot of whispered stuff about it, but they don't ever come out and say like, "Hey, this guy's special because..."
Why is everything in the movie always slightly green-tinted? Did I miss something? Is 'the Matrix' another name for the color green?!
Why is everyone's go-to wardrobe item almost always black, skin-tight and made out of leather? I know this movie was made in 1999, but come on. Not everywhere they go is hosting a rave!!
What's up with that obnoxious girl who plays Anthony's girlfriend in the beginning? She's like a slutty Kristen Stewart. I've taken to calling her "Fish Face."
The million dollar question: WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THE GODDAMN MOVIE MUMBLE?! DON'T THEY KNOW IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO HEAR THEM?! ARGHH!!
Why does Keanu Reeves have only, like, two or three facial expressions? They all look the same, but they mean slightly different things. One: brooding and moody. Two: pissed-off and petulant. And three: cool, calm, and collected. Oh, yeah, and then there's his Dopey Face, which he only ever employs when he's looking at Trinity.
Why don't the unplugged carry cell phones with them to transport them back to the ship? Wouldn't that be, I don't know, easier or something? I mean, in the beginning, TRINITY ALMOST GETS RUN OVER BY A TRUCK TRYING TO PICK UP THE PHONE AT THE PHONEBOOTH!!
Another thing. What's up with people (ahem, cough, cough, Trinity) trying to hold serious and meaningful conversations in the midst of very dangerous situations?! Really?! Like at the Subway Showdown scene near the end, the phone's ringing and the homeless guy is transforming into Agent Smith, and what is Trinity doing? Why, she's trying to tell Neo how much she loves him, of course! Because God forbid she waits to tell him that until they're both to safety! Also, if she hadn't decided to blurt out her guts to Neo right then and there, they probably both would have been fine. BUT NO, TRINITY HAS TO BE SELFISH AND PROFESS HER LOVE FOR HIM FIRST. JESUS.
What do I refer to, you ask? The Matrix, written and directed by the Wachowski Brothers (Ironic, though, since they're actually brother and sister--so...siblings?). The first one was so fantastic, so creative, so crazy and out there, it was declared the "blockbuster of the year". It was, though. Mind-blowing and insane, I mean. The first time I watched it, it made me question my own existence.
Heads-up, though. If you've never watched it before, prepare yourself for a movie that defines 'suspend disbelief' or throughout it you'll be asking questions like:
How did the link get traced between Trinity and Cypher? Was it Cypher's doing in hopes of keeping Trinity and Morpheus from successfully collecting Neo? To put him at the Agents' mercy?
How does everyone who's unplugged manage to wear so much leather and never complain about it? Also, since they only ever wear it in the Matrix, which is effectively nonexistent itself, does that mean they're naked, then? Are their clothes 'not real' because the Matrix is simply an elaborate trap for your mind? And nothing exists?!
In the beginning, how do the Agents know the two units the police lieutenant sent up are already dead? I know they're the Gatekeepers and everything, but really. They're not psychic.
Why do all the Agents wear Secret Service earpieces when they're right next to each other? Are the earpieces actually just hearing aids in disguise?!
Why does Trinity have to go into the Matrix to track Neo? They have lots of computers on the Nebuchadnezzar, right? So why don't they just use the computers on the hovercraft to find him? Wouldn't it be a lot easier? Not to mention a whole lot safer?!
Everyone in that movie must have infinite ammo. They're all terrible shots, and for every fifty thousand bullets, they maybe once or twice manage to hit something. Geez, what a waste!
What is so special about Neo that makes Morpheus believe him to be 'the one'? There's a lot of whispered stuff about it, but they don't ever come out and say like, "Hey, this guy's special because..."
Why is everything in the movie always slightly green-tinted? Did I miss something? Is 'the Matrix' another name for the color green?!
Why is everyone's go-to wardrobe item almost always black, skin-tight and made out of leather? I know this movie was made in 1999, but come on. Not everywhere they go is hosting a rave!!
What's up with that obnoxious girl who plays Anthony's girlfriend in the beginning? She's like a slutty Kristen Stewart. I've taken to calling her "Fish Face."
The million dollar question: WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THE GODDAMN MOVIE MUMBLE?! DON'T THEY KNOW IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO HEAR THEM?! ARGHH!!
Why does Keanu Reeves have only, like, two or three facial expressions? They all look the same, but they mean slightly different things. One: brooding and moody. Two: pissed-off and petulant. And three: cool, calm, and collected. Oh, yeah, and then there's his Dopey Face, which he only ever employs when he's looking at Trinity.
Why don't the unplugged carry cell phones with them to transport them back to the ship? Wouldn't that be, I don't know, easier or something? I mean, in the beginning, TRINITY ALMOST GETS RUN OVER BY A TRUCK TRYING TO PICK UP THE PHONE AT THE PHONEBOOTH!!
Another thing. What's up with people (ahem, cough, cough, Trinity) trying to hold serious and meaningful conversations in the midst of very dangerous situations?! Really?! Like at the Subway Showdown scene near the end, the phone's ringing and the homeless guy is transforming into Agent Smith, and what is Trinity doing? Why, she's trying to tell Neo how much she loves him, of course! Because God forbid she waits to tell him that until they're both to safety! Also, if she hadn't decided to blurt out her guts to Neo right then and there, they probably both would have been fine. BUT NO, TRINITY HAS TO BE SELFISH AND PROFESS HER LOVE FOR HIM FIRST. JESUS.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
A Day in the Life of Sheldon Cooper
3:30 a.m.: TRYING to work on formula for velocity of a spaceship catapulting in space, but Leonard is the loudest snorer I have ever heard. Seriously, he sounds like a bulldozer...
3:33 a.m.: Went into Leonard's room. Shook him awake and told him to stop snoring. He had the nerve to flip me off!! Like it's MY fault he snores so loudly he could wake an astronaut in space?
4:57 a.m.: Think I've finally found the correct equation! It'll show Howard..."I'm so cool because I went into space!" Oh, yeah? We'll see about that, Wallowitz...
6:28 a.m.: Leonard FINALLY stopped snoring, but now he's mumbling nonsense and keeps saying "Sheldon is annoying." I can't imagine why. I mean, me?! ANNOYING?!?
8:15 a.m.: Leonard wanted me to talk to Penny to see if she's actually dating someone else. I told him it wouldn't surprise me, given Penny's...spontaneous nature, but he slapped me. If Leonard were a girl, he would so be having that time of the month. It is not even funny...
12:46 p.m.: Amy came over today. She knocked on the door in this really annoying way. "KNOCK-KNOCK, SHELDON. KNOCK-KNOCK, SHELDON. KNOCK-KNOCK SHELDON." Reminds me of something else, but I can't exactly place it...
2:09 p.m.: Raj tried to lecture me on the 'well-known fact' that Batman would beat Flash in a fight any day of the week. I said it wasn't true. Obviously Flash would beat Batman--except on Fridays. That's his day off, you know.
3:24 p.m.: I really have to start bringing my own lunch to work. The MUSH they call food is ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. This cafeteria is NOT up-to-date on its cleanliness. I think I saw a cockroach hiding under the soda machine...
5:41 p.m.: Amy came into my lab today. Tried to set up a date for us in the evening. I told her I was working on something VERY IMPORTANT, but apparently she didn't care, because she kept on badgering me. Women are so strange!
8:25 p.m.: Dreaming of the all-new PS5. Can't wait for BlackOps4. I'll have to avoid Amy; she's very insistent we spend time together 'as a couple'. Who knew relationships could be so much work?
9:51 p.m.: Leonard brought me a Batman cookie jar! I told him I was sorry for every bad thing I'd ever said. He asked me if I meant it. I thought about it and realized I didn't. Who knew?
11:00 p.m.: Finishing up Star Trek. Also trying to teach myself to speak Klingon...not working so well...
1:17 a.m.: Trying to get some sleep. Even geniuses need time to recharge their mental capacity! Unfortunately, Leonard is snoring even MORE loudly! (I didn't know such a thing was even possible!!) Maybe I should make some tea...
2:37 a.m.: Made some tea, but didn't want to drink it, so--because I don't waste perfectly-good tea--I splashed my tea on Leonard to make him stop snoring like a freight train. He woke up, tried to strangle me, swore at me in German (I think, he sounded very angry) and then went back to sleep and presumed snoring. I think I should change the Roommate Agreement to have a rule that states the roommate cannot, under any circumstances, snore. Only problem is how to reinforce it. I'm a genius. This'll be easy!!
3:19 a.m.: It's not. I bet Leonard's snoring dissolved some of my brainpower! I will annihilate him!!!
4:51 a.m.: Zzzzzzzzzzz....
3:33 a.m.: Went into Leonard's room. Shook him awake and told him to stop snoring. He had the nerve to flip me off!! Like it's MY fault he snores so loudly he could wake an astronaut in space?
4:57 a.m.: Think I've finally found the correct equation! It'll show Howard..."I'm so cool because I went into space!" Oh, yeah? We'll see about that, Wallowitz...
6:28 a.m.: Leonard FINALLY stopped snoring, but now he's mumbling nonsense and keeps saying "Sheldon is annoying." I can't imagine why. I mean, me?! ANNOYING?!?
8:15 a.m.: Leonard wanted me to talk to Penny to see if she's actually dating someone else. I told him it wouldn't surprise me, given Penny's...spontaneous nature, but he slapped me. If Leonard were a girl, he would so be having that time of the month. It is not even funny...
12:46 p.m.: Amy came over today. She knocked on the door in this really annoying way. "KNOCK-KNOCK, SHELDON. KNOCK-KNOCK, SHELDON. KNOCK-KNOCK SHELDON." Reminds me of something else, but I can't exactly place it...
2:09 p.m.: Raj tried to lecture me on the 'well-known fact' that Batman would beat Flash in a fight any day of the week. I said it wasn't true. Obviously Flash would beat Batman--except on Fridays. That's his day off, you know.
3:24 p.m.: I really have to start bringing my own lunch to work. The MUSH they call food is ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. This cafeteria is NOT up-to-date on its cleanliness. I think I saw a cockroach hiding under the soda machine...
5:41 p.m.: Amy came into my lab today. Tried to set up a date for us in the evening. I told her I was working on something VERY IMPORTANT, but apparently she didn't care, because she kept on badgering me. Women are so strange!
8:25 p.m.: Dreaming of the all-new PS5. Can't wait for BlackOps4. I'll have to avoid Amy; she's very insistent we spend time together 'as a couple'. Who knew relationships could be so much work?
9:51 p.m.: Leonard brought me a Batman cookie jar! I told him I was sorry for every bad thing I'd ever said. He asked me if I meant it. I thought about it and realized I didn't. Who knew?
11:00 p.m.: Finishing up Star Trek. Also trying to teach myself to speak Klingon...not working so well...
1:17 a.m.: Trying to get some sleep. Even geniuses need time to recharge their mental capacity! Unfortunately, Leonard is snoring even MORE loudly! (I didn't know such a thing was even possible!!) Maybe I should make some tea...
2:37 a.m.: Made some tea, but didn't want to drink it, so--because I don't waste perfectly-good tea--I splashed my tea on Leonard to make him stop snoring like a freight train. He woke up, tried to strangle me, swore at me in German (I think, he sounded very angry) and then went back to sleep and presumed snoring. I think I should change the Roommate Agreement to have a rule that states the roommate cannot, under any circumstances, snore. Only problem is how to reinforce it. I'm a genius. This'll be easy!!
3:19 a.m.: It's not. I bet Leonard's snoring dissolved some of my brainpower! I will annihilate him!!!
4:51 a.m.: Zzzzzzzzzzz....
Monday, March 17, 2014
11:20 a.m., MCAS in the morning, I can't sleep
Story of my life, right? No sleep. My eyelids may be drooping but not enough to let me drift off into sweet oblivion. Hypnos was the Greek god of sleep. Though I'm not Greek, do you think he can still help me?
at the moment, I just want to sleep. but I can't. life's a bitch, isn't it? I can't even spell 'spell!' What is this, some bad Lifetime movie?!
at the moment, I just want to sleep. but I can't. life's a bitch, isn't it? I can't even spell 'spell!' What is this, some bad Lifetime movie?!
Thursday, February 27, 2014
why?
I've been here for you for so long. it's like you don't even care about me or our friendship. so you don't like me that's fine I forgive you. but all the same I hate you - why the hell did you think it was okay to abandon me? I've been here for you forever, haven't I, and all I get is a glare in the hallway every once in a while if I'm lucky
if I thought it'd help I would force myself to not like you that way and instead suffer inside and watch her wrap her arms around you all while sneaking around with josh the five year old. you think she is so innocent and so dedicated to you, but you obviously enjoy remaining idiotically ignorant. it kills me to see you so vulnerable. you know they're laughing behind your back, right...?
why can't you see that I've been here for SO LONG AND I HAVE LOVED YOU AND UNDERSTOOD YOU FOR SOOOOOOOOO LONG AND YOU REFUSE TO SEE IT?!
I'm sorry...but I don't know if I can do this anymore. watching this whole stupid thing unravel before me is like a bad rom-com. the ending is predictable but I'm not about to waste my money. I wish I could say I won't be here when she leaves you in the dark but I know I will because I'm the idiot friend who gets burned just by trying to help.
but I know that this time when I get burned its all my fault. its my fault for my stupidity, isn't it? everything that's happened is my fault everything always is and why oh why oh why can't life ever just give me a fucking break? I may not be an angel, but I've had hardships and even I don't deserve getting thrown to the wolves every five minutes
but no...apparently I'm cursed to suffer for all eternity.
oh, the cruel irony.
if I thought it'd help I would force myself to not like you that way and instead suffer inside and watch her wrap her arms around you all while sneaking around with josh the five year old. you think she is so innocent and so dedicated to you, but you obviously enjoy remaining idiotically ignorant. it kills me to see you so vulnerable. you know they're laughing behind your back, right...?
why can't you see that I've been here for SO LONG AND I HAVE LOVED YOU AND UNDERSTOOD YOU FOR SOOOOOOOOO LONG AND YOU REFUSE TO SEE IT?!
I'm sorry...but I don't know if I can do this anymore. watching this whole stupid thing unravel before me is like a bad rom-com. the ending is predictable but I'm not about to waste my money. I wish I could say I won't be here when she leaves you in the dark but I know I will because I'm the idiot friend who gets burned just by trying to help.
but I know that this time when I get burned its all my fault. its my fault for my stupidity, isn't it? everything that's happened is my fault everything always is and why oh why oh why can't life ever just give me a fucking break? I may not be an angel, but I've had hardships and even I don't deserve getting thrown to the wolves every five minutes
but no...apparently I'm cursed to suffer for all eternity.
oh, the cruel irony.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
the Endless Ache
Boys are idiots. They are truly the definition of stupidity. I'll never tell him, I'll never tell anyone, but I've loved--for lack of a better term--him ever since last summer when I saw him vulnerable. I'm a sucker, just another dictionary definition for unrequited blah, blah, blah. I'm so stupid...of course he wouldn't like me. Something I always denied myself was acknowledging my ugliness. Like it would keep me safe. Like pretending I was gorgeous would make the truth go away. Because I'm not. And I never have been.
I know everything about him. Everything. Every deep secret. Every vulnerability. Every part of him that no one else sees. Everyone makes fun of him, thinking he's invincible to the jokes that hurt.
But he's not. I'm not. No one is.
And for some stupid reason I've let the Cloud 9 feeling of having friends keep me from doing well in school, so going to college is a no. Going anywhere in life is a no.
I'd love to chalk it up to Brian's stupidity, but is it his, or is it mine? Answer: it's mine.
It always has been.
I know everything about him. Everything. Every deep secret. Every vulnerability. Every part of him that no one else sees. Everyone makes fun of him, thinking he's invincible to the jokes that hurt.
But he's not. I'm not. No one is.
And for some stupid reason I've let the Cloud 9 feeling of having friends keep me from doing well in school, so going to college is a no. Going anywhere in life is a no.
I'd love to chalk it up to Brian's stupidity, but is it his, or is it mine? Answer: it's mine.
It always has been.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Today's Episode: You Don't Need Guilt to Feel Guilty--Starring: Me & My Conscience!!
For this segment of Katie Unraveled: Is She Really Insane? we're going to travel deep inside the intricate passageways of her mind--even rooting around in her conscience, see what guilt lies beneath the layers!
Strap on your seatbelts, close your eyes, and pray you won't end up as mentally deranged as Katie in...1...2...3...
(theme song plays)
Me: Welcome, welcome, please take a seat around the circle! Put your books down, cellphones in your pockets--because, naturally, all eyes should be on me--ears listening, minds active...after your long and utterly stressful journey, today's episode of Katie Unraveled: Is She Really Insane? is going to explore the depths of my conscience, and the different sections of my brain! Fair warning, if you value your sanity, I recommend getting back on your mode of transportation and going anywhere that's not here. (I pause and look around) No takers? Okay then.
(I step back and survey my audience)
Me: As you all may know, the smallest things can take refuge inside your brain and hang there, like little parasites inhabiting a space they are totally unwelcome in. This, in a word, is what we call guilt. Guilt doesn't necessarily have to be justified; it doesn't have to be right; it doesn't even have to come from anything. But any way you slice it, when it comes down to it all it is...is guilt. Because at the end of the day, only you, the one holding all that guilt inside, can let it go. And for those of you who have ever held so much of that ickiness inside know it's very difficult to get rid of. You can't just say, "I order you to go away!" because, well...it just doesn't work. Now today I'll be teaching you how to get rid of that guilt--
(Random Audience Member--from now on RAM): Isn't that a bit contradictory? Or, you know, hypocritical? When you can't get rid of it yourself and you're trying to help others do it? That seems--
Me: AHEM! (Silence) Very good question. I will not answer it, but why don't you go home and look it up on WebMD? They know everything! (RAM blushes and says nothing else) As I was saying, I'm going to try to teach you all to get rid of it--if you indeed hold any of it inside. Granted, I haven't been able to do it myself, but I figure if I can't help myself, I should at least help you all. (Deep breath) The best way to recognize guilt is by noticing the physical--or what feels physical--signs. A knot deep in your chest that seems to tighten whenever you walk by a certain person or place or object? That's usually the trigger. Or maybe your vision blacks out when you see said trigger--varies for everyone--but in the end, it's all the same...just comes to us in different ways, if you know what I mean.
RAM: Excuse me, psycho, but I have a question!
Me: (Deeply insulted) Excuse me?! I would like to point out that my show is called Katie Unraveled: Is She Really Insane? and not Katie Unraveled: She's Totally Psychotic! Really, where are your manners?
RAM: But you are, aren't you? You know, insane?
Me: I'm not even going to justify that with an answer.
PWIH (Person Who I Hate): And how does that make you feel, Katie?
Me: ARGGHHHH! Meghan! Really?! You torment me in school, you torment me through e-mails to my parents, you haunt me in my dreams...couldn't you at least let me do my Dr. Phil thing in peace without any of your clinician-analyzing crap? What's next, show up with me in the bathroom? I understand I'm awesome and popular and everything, but really, your neediness for my attentions is truly becoming embarrassing.
(Now identified as) Meghan: I'm sorry, Katie, but your reality TV show is sincerely worrying. Your parents wanted me to make sure you were safe and not in a bad place--
Me: Bad place?! Ha! Bad place my ass!! Does being emotionally and mentally demented count as being 'safe and not in a bad place?'
Meghan: Well, I don't know...I might have to consult my Dummy's Guide for Stupid Clinicians Who Don't Know How to Do Their Job.
Me: Ooh, I like the sound of that! It might be a wise idea to add on "And Instead of Trying to Learn How to Do it Correctly, They Simply Ask How You Feel After Every. Single. Fucking. Statement."
Meghan: GASP!! Really, Katie, you've wounded me!
Me: (turning back to my audience) So, where were we?
Meghan: They're all gone.
Me: Hmm. It must be your lack of personality that drove them away. Nothing more effective to help get rid of a crowd than get a clueless clinician in your posse. You've done that job just fine, thank you!
Meghan: Thank you.
Me: Okay. You can leave now.
Meghan: (sitting there)
Me: Um...Meghan? When I said 'can' I meant 'go.' Now.
Meghan: Right. (Disappears)
(Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride enters)
Inigo: Ah! Katie!
Me: Good afternoon, Inigo.
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Me: Seriously? This spiel again! C'mon, thirty episodes in and you're still quoting that? Why are you the scriptwriter? Do we need to get a scriptwriter for a scriptwriter? (to myself) What is this world coming to?
Vizzini: Inconceivable!
Inigo: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Vizzini: Stop it!
Inigo: That Vizzini, he can fuss.
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss, I think he like to scream at us.
Inigo: Probably he means no harm.
Fezzik: He's really very short on charm.
Inigo: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: Enough of that.
Inigo: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we'll all be dead.
Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it.
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: DYEAAAHHH!
Me: Now, Vizzini, remember what we talked about? Managing your anger?
Vizzini: But--
Me: And your alcohol intake? Lord, what did Westley do to you? What kind of drug? It's like...it's like your wacky tobacky--
Westley: Brilliant observation, Katie. I can see you following in Meghan's footsteps.
Me: Well now that's just insulting.
Westley: Oh, no, but I do mean it in the most complementary way. You can probably do it--maybe...
Me: Oh, well, thank you very much, very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.
Grandpa: HEY! That's my line!!
Me: Well I don't see your storybook anywhere.
Westley: Speaking of, why are we all here if Katie doesn't have the story?
Me: I don't know. Why is Westley asking a question using my name but not addressing me? Ah, the mysteries of life...
Westley: Questions that will never get answered.
Vizzini, Inigo, Fezzik: INCONCIEVABLE!
Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get some originality, would you?
Inigo: Originality's my middle name!
Me: No it's not. Your middle name's Ricardo or some other Hispanic sounding name...
Inigo: (scoffing) Ricardo?! Please! That was the name of my VERY distant cousin, Edward Ricardo Montoya. We've never liked him.
Me: Why not?
Inigo: He didn't eat his vegetables at dinnertime.
Me: That's all?
Inigo: What? What were you expecting?
Me: Something...more interesting?
Inigo: 'Originality' is not the same thing as 'lying' or 'making things up.'
Me: Wow, Inigo. Very inspiring. I couldn't have possibly guessed.
Inigo: Smartass.
Westley: Since when are asses smart? Last time I checked they flunked their exams.
Me: Haha. WOW--YOU'RE SO FUNNY!!
Westley: Your comments are deeply injurious.
Fezzik: Ooh, looks like the story fell out of the sky!
Grandpa: Seriously? Again? Arghh, I keep calling the director to have him send out maintenance, but no, they're too busy. (Pauses and steps closer to the book) Okay, everyone. Jump in!
Vizzini: Who are you, my kindergarten teacher?
Grandpa: Maybe. I've been known to be many things.
Me: I can only imagine.
(Vizzini, Grandpa, Westley, Fezzik, and Inigo jump in)
Me: Bye-bye. Please don't come back...for a long time--if you can help it.
Westley: As you wish.
Me: Say hi to Buttercup for me!
Westley: Perhaps. But I think she might be off slaying off the deadly shrieking eels right about now. I'll tell her when I see her.
Me: You do that.
(They all leave)
Meghan: Looks like it's just us again, eh?
Me: (glaring at her menacingly) Nope. Just me.
(Meghan runs far, far away.)
Me: And that concludes today's segment. Please join me for a new episode of Katie Unraveled: Is She Really Insane? next week, when I discuss the pros and cons of having a clinician. (to self) And this is totally not a dig to Meghan! (quiet) Even though it totally is.
*theme song and everything cuts out*
Strap on your seatbelts, close your eyes, and pray you won't end up as mentally deranged as Katie in...1...2...3...
(theme song plays)
Me: Welcome, welcome, please take a seat around the circle! Put your books down, cellphones in your pockets--because, naturally, all eyes should be on me--ears listening, minds active...after your long and utterly stressful journey, today's episode of Katie Unraveled: Is She Really Insane? is going to explore the depths of my conscience, and the different sections of my brain! Fair warning, if you value your sanity, I recommend getting back on your mode of transportation and going anywhere that's not here. (I pause and look around) No takers? Okay then.
(I step back and survey my audience)
Me: As you all may know, the smallest things can take refuge inside your brain and hang there, like little parasites inhabiting a space they are totally unwelcome in. This, in a word, is what we call guilt. Guilt doesn't necessarily have to be justified; it doesn't have to be right; it doesn't even have to come from anything. But any way you slice it, when it comes down to it all it is...is guilt. Because at the end of the day, only you, the one holding all that guilt inside, can let it go. And for those of you who have ever held so much of that ickiness inside know it's very difficult to get rid of. You can't just say, "I order you to go away!" because, well...it just doesn't work. Now today I'll be teaching you how to get rid of that guilt--
(Random Audience Member--from now on RAM): Isn't that a bit contradictory? Or, you know, hypocritical? When you can't get rid of it yourself and you're trying to help others do it? That seems--
Me: AHEM! (Silence) Very good question. I will not answer it, but why don't you go home and look it up on WebMD? They know everything! (RAM blushes and says nothing else) As I was saying, I'm going to try to teach you all to get rid of it--if you indeed hold any of it inside. Granted, I haven't been able to do it myself, but I figure if I can't help myself, I should at least help you all. (Deep breath) The best way to recognize guilt is by noticing the physical--or what feels physical--signs. A knot deep in your chest that seems to tighten whenever you walk by a certain person or place or object? That's usually the trigger. Or maybe your vision blacks out when you see said trigger--varies for everyone--but in the end, it's all the same...just comes to us in different ways, if you know what I mean.
RAM: Excuse me, psycho, but I have a question!
Me: (Deeply insulted) Excuse me?! I would like to point out that my show is called Katie Unraveled: Is She Really Insane? and not Katie Unraveled: She's Totally Psychotic! Really, where are your manners?
RAM: But you are, aren't you? You know, insane?
Me: I'm not even going to justify that with an answer.
PWIH (Person Who I Hate): And how does that make you feel, Katie?
Me: ARGGHHHH! Meghan! Really?! You torment me in school, you torment me through e-mails to my parents, you haunt me in my dreams...couldn't you at least let me do my Dr. Phil thing in peace without any of your clinician-analyzing crap? What's next, show up with me in the bathroom? I understand I'm awesome and popular and everything, but really, your neediness for my attentions is truly becoming embarrassing.
(Now identified as) Meghan: I'm sorry, Katie, but your reality TV show is sincerely worrying. Your parents wanted me to make sure you were safe and not in a bad place--
Me: Bad place?! Ha! Bad place my ass!! Does being emotionally and mentally demented count as being 'safe and not in a bad place?'
Meghan: Well, I don't know...I might have to consult my Dummy's Guide for Stupid Clinicians Who Don't Know How to Do Their Job.
Me: Ooh, I like the sound of that! It might be a wise idea to add on "And Instead of Trying to Learn How to Do it Correctly, They Simply Ask How You Feel After Every. Single. Fucking. Statement."
Meghan: GASP!! Really, Katie, you've wounded me!
Me: (turning back to my audience) So, where were we?
Meghan: They're all gone.
Me: Hmm. It must be your lack of personality that drove them away. Nothing more effective to help get rid of a crowd than get a clueless clinician in your posse. You've done that job just fine, thank you!
Meghan: Thank you.
Me: Okay. You can leave now.
Meghan: (sitting there)
Me: Um...Meghan? When I said 'can' I meant 'go.' Now.
Meghan: Right. (Disappears)
(Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride enters)
Inigo: Ah! Katie!
Me: Good afternoon, Inigo.
Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Me: Seriously? This spiel again! C'mon, thirty episodes in and you're still quoting that? Why are you the scriptwriter? Do we need to get a scriptwriter for a scriptwriter? (to myself) What is this world coming to?
Vizzini: Inconceivable!
Inigo: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Vizzini: Stop it!
Inigo: That Vizzini, he can fuss.
Fezzik: Fuss, fuss, I think he like to scream at us.
Inigo: Probably he means no harm.
Fezzik: He's really very short on charm.
Inigo: You have a great gift for rhyme.
Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini: Enough of that.
Inigo: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
Fezzik: If there are, we'll all be dead.
Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it.
Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini: DYEAAAHHH!
Me: Now, Vizzini, remember what we talked about? Managing your anger?
Vizzini: But--
Me: And your alcohol intake? Lord, what did Westley do to you? What kind of drug? It's like...it's like your wacky tobacky--
Westley: Brilliant observation, Katie. I can see you following in Meghan's footsteps.
Me: Well now that's just insulting.
Westley: Oh, no, but I do mean it in the most complementary way. You can probably do it--maybe...
Me: Oh, well, thank you very much, very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming.
Grandpa: HEY! That's my line!!
Me: Well I don't see your storybook anywhere.
Westley: Speaking of, why are we all here if Katie doesn't have the story?
Me: I don't know. Why is Westley asking a question using my name but not addressing me? Ah, the mysteries of life...
Westley: Questions that will never get answered.
Vizzini, Inigo, Fezzik: INCONCIEVABLE!
Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get some originality, would you?
Inigo: Originality's my middle name!
Me: No it's not. Your middle name's Ricardo or some other Hispanic sounding name...
Inigo: (scoffing) Ricardo?! Please! That was the name of my VERY distant cousin, Edward Ricardo Montoya. We've never liked him.
Me: Why not?
Inigo: He didn't eat his vegetables at dinnertime.
Me: That's all?
Inigo: What? What were you expecting?
Me: Something...more interesting?
Inigo: 'Originality' is not the same thing as 'lying' or 'making things up.'
Me: Wow, Inigo. Very inspiring. I couldn't have possibly guessed.
Inigo: Smartass.
Westley: Since when are asses smart? Last time I checked they flunked their exams.
Me: Haha. WOW--YOU'RE SO FUNNY!!
Westley: Your comments are deeply injurious.
Fezzik: Ooh, looks like the story fell out of the sky!
Grandpa: Seriously? Again? Arghh, I keep calling the director to have him send out maintenance, but no, they're too busy. (Pauses and steps closer to the book) Okay, everyone. Jump in!
Vizzini: Who are you, my kindergarten teacher?
Grandpa: Maybe. I've been known to be many things.
Me: I can only imagine.
(Vizzini, Grandpa, Westley, Fezzik, and Inigo jump in)
Me: Bye-bye. Please don't come back...for a long time--if you can help it.
Westley: As you wish.
Me: Say hi to Buttercup for me!
Westley: Perhaps. But I think she might be off slaying off the deadly shrieking eels right about now. I'll tell her when I see her.
Me: You do that.
(They all leave)
Meghan: Looks like it's just us again, eh?
Me: (glaring at her menacingly) Nope. Just me.
(Meghan runs far, far away.)
Me: And that concludes today's segment. Please join me for a new episode of Katie Unraveled: Is She Really Insane? next week, when I discuss the pros and cons of having a clinician. (to self) And this is totally not a dig to Meghan! (quiet) Even though it totally is.
*theme song and everything cuts out*
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Your True Colors
All I have to say is, your 'true colors' are ugly as hell. Seriously, you're a nasty person--and I don't throw that term around loosely.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Why do you do this?
I love my mom-obviously-but sometimes she drives me crazy. When I'm in a pissy mood or just sort of irritated--not even with her!--she always comes in with this smug, knowing look, and says, "Why are you upset with me? What did I do? You look so angry!"
My response is always through gritted teeth: "I'm fine, Mom."
"You don't look fine, Katie," she says, her expression innocently aggravating. "You look quite upset. What have I done wrong?"
I sort of want to say, everything! Just leave me fucking alone! I'm. Not. ANGRY!
But instead I say, "You haven't done anything wrong, Mom. I'm just in a weird mood. Seriously. You haven't done anything."
She then presses the issue further, going, "No, I obviously have...why don't you want to tell me?"
Maybe because you haven't done anything!! I want to scream, instead saying, at my wit's end, "I'm not mad, Mom, but if you keep going on like this, I will get mad. But at the moment I'm not upset with you."
Then she gets one of those wounded, why-won't-you-tell-me? mother looks on her face, a silently disapproving look etched onto her features, saying, "Fine, then."
Does she want me to be mad? You'd think after the five times I said, 'No, I'm not mad, Mom' she'd get that, hey, I really wasn't mad. How hard is it to understand?
I'm not speaking Martian, am I?
My response is always through gritted teeth: "I'm fine, Mom."
"You don't look fine, Katie," she says, her expression innocently aggravating. "You look quite upset. What have I done wrong?"
I sort of want to say, everything! Just leave me fucking alone! I'm. Not. ANGRY!
But instead I say, "You haven't done anything wrong, Mom. I'm just in a weird mood. Seriously. You haven't done anything."
She then presses the issue further, going, "No, I obviously have...why don't you want to tell me?"
Maybe because you haven't done anything!! I want to scream, instead saying, at my wit's end, "I'm not mad, Mom, but if you keep going on like this, I will get mad. But at the moment I'm not upset with you."
Then she gets one of those wounded, why-won't-you-tell-me? mother looks on her face, a silently disapproving look etched onto her features, saying, "Fine, then."
Does she want me to be mad? You'd think after the five times I said, 'No, I'm not mad, Mom' she'd get that, hey, I really wasn't mad. How hard is it to understand?
I'm not speaking Martian, am I?
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
You asked my opinion, but didn't like my answer
I pride myself on being able to tell people the truth...not too bluntly, mind you, but I never gloss it over. If, for instance, my friend Brittany asked me how her new hair looked--I would not tell her "Oh, it looks fabulous!" Because frankly, her hair stylist butchered it-and the coloring job? She looked like Strawberry Shortcake!
I would most likely tell her, "It's interesting, but it doesn't really suit your facial features. I could help you find an awesome hat to keep it under cover for a few days," because that's what nice people do. They tell the truth, but they also don't go, "UGH, it's terrible! Awful! Horrendous! Really, what were you thinking?!"
Now I'm all for giving advice or answering you when you ask for my opinion, that's fine. What's NOT fine is asking me-begging me for it-and then when I give it to you, breaking down and sobbing. Hell, while you're at it, you might as well say, "Oh, you've ruined my life!!"
You know full well that when you ask me for my opinion, I'm gonna give it you. So for God's sake, if you can't stand to hear it, don't ask me! It's not brain surgery. Trust me, I don't like your response anymore than you apparently dislike my opinion. It goes both ways, hon.
Moral of the story is this: I know you know that when I give you my opinion, it's...my opinion. Don't expect me to lie to you; you ask me and I'm giving it to you.
I would most likely tell her, "It's interesting, but it doesn't really suit your facial features. I could help you find an awesome hat to keep it under cover for a few days," because that's what nice people do. They tell the truth, but they also don't go, "UGH, it's terrible! Awful! Horrendous! Really, what were you thinking?!"
Now I'm all for giving advice or answering you when you ask for my opinion, that's fine. What's NOT fine is asking me-begging me for it-and then when I give it to you, breaking down and sobbing. Hell, while you're at it, you might as well say, "Oh, you've ruined my life!!"
You know full well that when you ask me for my opinion, I'm gonna give it you. So for God's sake, if you can't stand to hear it, don't ask me! It's not brain surgery. Trust me, I don't like your response anymore than you apparently dislike my opinion. It goes both ways, hon.
Moral of the story is this: I know you know that when I give you my opinion, it's...my opinion. Don't expect me to lie to you; you ask me and I'm giving it to you.
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