The Biggest Insult

You know how sometimes you might be on YouTube or on Facebook (I wouldn't know; I personally think Facebook is stupid--GASP!!) and someone makes some really nasty, bitchy comment, and you try to squelch the urge to write back but you can't?

Yeah. I had one of those moments only five minutes ago.

See, I was on YouTube, watching a music video, and I wrote, "Taylor Swift could really stand to learn from Sara Bareilles. She should be taking notes," and then only about two seconds later some douchebag writes back, saying, "You're a bitch. Who are you to insult Taylor Swift?"

I sat there, a little stunned. I wasn't insulted by the 'you're a bitch' but rather by the fact that they thought it would be that easy to insult me. Hello? I've heard worse insults from my therapist!

I was gritting my teeth, doing my best not to write back and Caps-Lock write them, but ultimately I failed.

I wrote, "I'm not a bitch, merely an opinionated person. Secondly, I'm not insulting Taylor Swift, but rather making a comment. If you are a true Taylor Swift fan, I apologize. Furthermore, you might want to get a bit more creative with your insults, FYI. I was laughing."

Inwardly, but it's the same thing! The person must have been sitting in a chair, their eyes boring into the computer screen, since only about ten seconds later they wrote back:

"Oh yeah? I can get creative, *BEEP!* It's only a matter of *BEEP* time until you start crying."

Now I was just irritated. Really, who did this person think they were? I HATE internet fights, but now I knew I couldn't just walk away. My jaw clenched, I typed, "It's more gratifying to insult someone using wit and intelligence as opposed to violence or cussing. And much more civilized, I might add."

A couple minutes passed until they finally went, "Fine, bitch," and I knew I'd won.

Seriously, though! It was an insult to my high intelligence that they'd thought a careless 'bitch' would insult me. I'd cry?! Get real!

I thought you said forever

Turns out when people say "I'll be with you forever" they're lying. Not that 'forever' is really a realistic thing to expect, but when you truly love someone and they just leave you, it's hard to grasp a strong hold on reality. It's sort of like you're hanging off the edge of a cliff, and you have two options: stay dangling and hope to God someone will find you before you slip, or close your eyes and hope for the best, plunging down to the depths of despair.

Forever seemed like a dazzling prospect, a way to start over and pave the path to the future I wanted to take. Grab the wheel and start driving my own car. But then 'forever' smashed like a broken mirror, and I was back to square one again.

It almost seems like I'd have been better off had I just ignored him and went on with my business--but no, I always have to jump on spur-of-the-moment ideas, all happy and excited, only days later to fall flat on my face again.

I think I'm starting to see a pattern here.

Thus why for the past week I've been singing P!nk's "Who Knew" non-stop. It's only too perfect for my current situation, a fact I find incredibly saddening and upsetting. The only thing worse than "Who Knew" would be "Over My Head (Cable Car)" or "How to Save a Life" by the Fray.

Five minutes later...

I put on "How to Save a Life" and I'm bawling. Why do I subject myself to this?!

The Psycho Test - Part I

How crazy are you on a scale of one to ten?

1. Your mother has been bugging you for ages to clean your room, and she's finally snapped. She gives you an ultimatum: clean your room right this minute or do your family's chores for an entire year. Your reaction?

a.) You stomp your foot like a petulant child and say "No."
b.) You smile and slap her
c.) Sigh and tromp upstairs to clean your room
d.) Insult her with a really crude term and THEN go clean your room

2. You're on a date, and they suggest the terrible routine of a movie and dinner. Sighing, you check the papers for playing movies. You choose...

a.) Maniac Murder, aka Murder Maniac
b.) World after Life
c.) Legally Brunette
d.) My Little Pony: Sparkle's Last Ride

3.) You're in class and some obnoxious kid starts yelling and swearing and carrying on. You're the peacemaker in that class, but today you're super on edge and the last thing you need is THIS. Still, they're counting on you, so you say...

a.) "Look, I know you're in a bad mood and all, but could you kindly sit  and calm down since we're trying to learn?"
b.) "Sit the fuck down and shut up!"
c.) "You don't look so good, man. Maybe some drugs would help you?"
d.) "You little ****! We're trying to learn, dick! Have some respect!"

4.) Your best friend calls, and you pick up. They're hysterical because they asked someone out who was already taken and they suddenly need to do "damage control." You really want to say no, but they're begging. So you...

a.) Growl threateningly until they hang up
b.) Let out a string of curses until you hear dial tone
c.) Insult them and tell them it's their own damn fault for getting themselves into such a predicament and that they should get themselves out of this situation that they put themselves into in the first place
d.) Groan but agree, and spend the next three hours trying to help while they tell you to shut up and them demand more help

5.) You're new to school and super angsty, and the guidance counselor  corners you at the end of the day and asks "how you feel." Your response?

a.) "I feel great, thanks for asking!"
b.) "Terrible. I got a paper cut, someone said my jeans were out of style, a teacher refused my right as a student access to a pencil, and now I'm late for my bus. Ahem. Nudge. Wink. Cough, cough!"
c.) Glare, shrug, narrow your eyes, and then tell her to f**k off.
d.) Flip her the bird, smile kindly, say another swear, give her a high five, and proceed to walk down the hall.

How'd you score? Check back for answers soon!

All It Takes

All it takes is one asshole to ruin your day. All it takes is one inconsiderate, rude, thoughtless, mean, careless, judgmental, or just downright terrible person to make you want to hate everyone in the world forever.

All it takes is one person to tick you off or rub you the wrong way or insult you or make you feel aggressive or defenseless to get you stuck in a funk for the remainder of the day. All it takes is one comment, one little remark, to make you hate everything, hide yourself from the rest of the world.

Yesterday, all it took was a couple little words.

"I'm Abby."

Sounds harmless, right? Well, in all honesty, it probably is. There's nothing wrong with Abby, per se, but something about her rubs me the wrong, wrong, wrong way. I just irrationally hate her, and that alone makes me hate her. It makes me hate her because I hate myself for hating someone without good reason.

Yet I do, and it's driving me nuts! I was grinding my teeth all yesterday, during group and then period five, which was US II with my teacher Mr. K. One of my best friends--you know, more or less--Nic (short for Nicole, but trust me, she's more of a Nic. That, and the fact that she's bisexual so she feels Nicole is too feminine. I agree, though I suppose my opinion doesn't really matter in the scheme of things) was taking a break from her Independent Study to hang out with us in Mr. K's room, 'cause he's all cool like that.

Anyways, Abby walks in, and I swear to God, my jaw clenched so tightly I though it might fall off. Legit. "Hello, there," Mr. K said in his new kid voice, "Are you...Abby?"

"Yep." A high-pitched, squeaky, girly squeal was oozing from that one word. It made my skin crawl. It made my ears let out steam. It made my teeth gnaw so tightly together they hurt. The tone made my upper teeth sink down savagely into my bottom lip until it drew blood. It. Drove. Me. Insane.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. I wanted to slap her--which, I know, is truly irrational, but hey, I never claimed to be a totally logical, reasonable person. I try, but even the best intentions get run over by wild, barbaric emotions. (Those damn feelings! Have they no sympathy for the emotional in this world? Apparently not.)

And then Nic went, "Abby, hey! Good to see you here!"

And just like that I became Crazy Katie. I shut my eyes and counted to one thousand. I ground my teeth. I grunted and thought violent thoughts about 'Abby.' I'm sorry, but at that moment I sincerely wanted to strangle her. Luckily, Mr. K putting us to the topic of the Trail of Tears and Andrew Jackson's Indian Removal Act was enough of a distraction to keep me from tearing her throat out.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Khorshianzadeh," she said, fumbling over his last name. (Can't say as I can blame her for that one, I'm not even sure I spelled it right!)

Nic leaned closer to me and said with a goofy grin, "Abby is one of my favorite people right now! She's so funny and cool!"

"Yeah," I said, grunting in response. "Yeah, she's pretty darn awesome all right."

More playful grins.

I cannot tell you just how annoyed and utterly infuriated I was. Okay, I was being really illogical, but I felt threatened. I felt like I was fucking losing one of my best friends. Crazy, I know. But I didn't call myself "Crazy Katie" for nothing.


Even Mr. K liked her, though I'm guessing it was mostly because she was a sci-fi nerd and Mr. K is probably one of the biggest I've ever met in my lifetime, and that's saying a lot.

"Anybody know anything about the Trail of Tears and the Indian Removal Act?" Mr. K inquired, giving us one of his "FOCUS!" glares that never really seem to work. At all.

I knew a lot, like too much to put down on paper, but I was too busy fuming about Abby to notice, to care, to want to fucking contribute. So I didn't. I sat there, still as a stone, not saying anything. At that moment in time I didn't feel like there was really anything I could say that could magically make Abby disappear and at the moment that was all I was really concerned about.

Silly and pathetic considering one can't wave a magic wand and make someone go POOF! But hey, one can dream, right?

Sigh. I think I'm going to have to face the truth: Abby isn't going anywhere, anytime soon. So now I just have to kill her with kindness. So I will. I'll be nice and understanding and accepting and enthusiastic, and she'll never suspect a thing, right?

Right.

Little Things

My idiosyncrasies and other peculiar habits:

• When I get depressed I listen to depressing songs, like Shadow of the Day by Minutes to Midnight; Whatever it Takes by Lifehouse; pretty much any song from the first two Fray albums (The Fray and How To Save a Life); a lot of songs by Chris Daughtry (Daughtry); The Chain by Ingrid Michaelson; and a lot of songs in Coldplay's album A Rush of Blood to the Head.
• When I was a little kid, I used to think trading a dollar in for four quarters was an awesome deal. (FYI, four quarters equals one dollar-but I don't think you're THAT stupid...hopefully.) The sad thing is that sometimes I still think that. Yeah. Depressing, right?
• Bubble wrap is both the greatest invention of all time and also my favorite coping skill.
• One time I was in the car with my mom, and we were driving past a farm and we saw some cows, and she turned to me and said, "Hey, Katie, did you know that brown cows make chocolate milk?" I looked at her, and--in all seriousness--went, "Omigod, really?! That's so cool!" You'd probably like to think this happened when I was six, or something. Truth is, it happened a couple months ago. Welcome to my life!
• I get ridiculously territorial about pop culture stuff (for lack of a better term). I hate when I find a song before everyone else and I love it, and then it goes on the radio and then everyone all of a sudden starts going, "OMG, I love that song! It's been my favorite, for, like, ever!" even when they'd never heard of the song until it hit 104.1--so fricking annoying! And also, I'm not one of those people who go out and find songs that they think will be a hit on the radio and then just want the bragging rights for liking it first. I'm just aggressive about it. Judge me all you want, but that isn't going to change a thing. As my favorite singer P!nk says, "Eat your heart out, bitches." Damn straight!
• The word "like" is about as bad as nails on a chalkboard for other people. I hear people start to say it and I go nutso. Legit! I cannot stand it! Use your imagination and use something different! Depends on the context, but the most common use of like nowadays is what I call the "Airhead Apathy Syndrome." Offensive, but hey, I speak the truth.
• I don't like dictionary definitions when they use the word or a form of the word you're trying to look up in the definition; case in point, one time I came across a definition for 'dictator': one who dictates. Are you fucking serious?! Where'd you get your brains, at a two-for-one sale at the dump? One time my friend Hannah and I were in one of our school staff's car on a way to the Woman's Conference in Boston along with other kids (girls) and she asked Siri what the definition of "Unobtrusive" was. Siri's reply? "The definition of unobtrusive is being not obtrusive." Hello!!
• I'm crazy but sort of sane; intelligent but also sort of drop-dead stupid sometimes; beautiful but also ugly at other moments; kind but kind of bitchy in certain situations...I guess you could say I'm 'special.' Don't look it up in the dictionary; you won't find it there. Maybe you should try WebMD? They know everything!

Long story short is, I'm pretty much unexplainable. And whether or not that is a curse or a blessing, well...I suppose we will find out in due time, my dear Watson. :)