why?

I've been here for you for so long. it's like you don't even care about me or our friendship. so you don't like me that's fine I forgive you. but all the same I hate you - why the hell did you think it was okay to abandon me? I've been here for you forever, haven't I, and all I get is a glare in the hallway every once in a while if I'm lucky


if I thought it'd help I would force myself to not like you that way and instead suffer inside and watch her wrap her arms around you all while sneaking around with josh the five year old. you think she is so innocent and so dedicated to you, but you obviously enjoy remaining idiotically ignorant. it kills me to see you so vulnerable. you know they're laughing behind your back, right...?


why can't you see that I've been here for SO LONG AND I HAVE LOVED YOU AND UNDERSTOOD YOU FOR SOOOOOOOOO LONG AND YOU REFUSE TO SEE IT?!


I'm sorry...but I don't know if I can do this anymore. watching this whole stupid thing unravel before me is like a bad rom-com. the ending is predictable but I'm not about to waste my money. I wish I could say I won't be here when she leaves you in the dark but I know I will because I'm the idiot friend who gets burned just by trying to help.


but I know that this time when I get burned its all my fault. its my fault for my stupidity, isn't it? everything that's happened is my fault everything always is and why oh why oh why can't life ever just give me a fucking break? I may not be an angel, but I've had hardships and even I don't deserve getting thrown to the wolves every five minutes


but no...apparently I'm cursed to suffer for all eternity.


oh, the cruel irony.

the Endless Ache

Boys are idiots. They are truly the definition of stupidity. I'll never tell him, I'll never tell anyone, but I've loved--for lack of a better term--him ever since last summer when I saw him vulnerable. I'm a sucker, just another dictionary definition for unrequited blah, blah, blah. I'm so stupid...of course he wouldn't like me. Something I always denied myself was acknowledging my ugliness. Like it would keep me safe. Like pretending I was gorgeous would make the truth go away. Because I'm not. And I never have been.


I know everything about him. Everything. Every deep secret. Every vulnerability. Every part of him that no one else sees. Everyone makes fun of him, thinking he's invincible to the jokes that hurt.


But he's not. I'm not. No one is.


And for some stupid reason I've let the Cloud 9 feeling of having friends keep me from doing well in school, so going to college is a no. Going anywhere in life is a no.


I'd love to chalk it up to Brian's stupidity, but is it his, or is it mine? Answer: it's mine.


It always has been.